Times they are a’changin

May 21, 2010 at 5:49 pm (Musings of a Writer)

WOW, so I feel the need to get something off my chest. My brothers are all grown up. When did this happen? Where was I?

I remember when two little boys would run up to me thinking I held the world in my hands…followed by a year where they thought I had cooties…followed by a year where they thought I was trying to be there Mom because I wouldn’t let them do something against their parent’s wishes…followed by a year where they decided they were too cool to hang out with their big sister…and I miss those boys. Where have they gone?

My younger brother is 19 years old and just got married. WHAT? Only 19? He is a baby!!! I know I can hear your exclamations. But he is quite mature for his age and has a good head on his shoulders…well most of the time anyway. And I thoroughly approve of his choice in wife…well most of the time anyway. haha no Just kidding. (sort of)

And now, just a couple of days ago my baby brother (17 currently) just graduated high-school. WOW. So now he is about to take his first steps into the big bad world out there.

I know, I know you all think I am wierd for caring so much…so let me explain something to you. My Mom was diagnosed with Cancer 10 years ago and for 10 years she has been fighting the fight of her life, for her life. So when chemo was running wild and she couldn’t get out of bed, I tried to be there for my baby bro’s. I tried to do the stuff around the house since Dad shouldn’t have to, I mean gosh he had enough on his plate with a job and an ailing wife, not to mention 3 kids.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I was no angel. I complained more than I cleaned. I fought more than I loved, and I hurt more than I laughed. It’s so wierd to see the joy slowly slip from your life, replaced with constant pain. You start to lose sight of the good little things and focus on all the bad little things. So, no. Though I tried to give all of myself to my family, I didn’t do a great job. I think I cried more than I smiled, but I loved harder than any one person should. I loved those two little boys and those persevering towers of strength that I call parents. I loved them with all I had and even what I didn’t. I still do. I hurt when they hurt. I cry when they cry. But I no longer smile when they smile. I am just too tired to smile anymore.

Don’t get me wrong. I have joy in my faith. I am a christian of the Lord who knows where I am going some day, but I am not there yet. God says he will wipe the tears from my eyes when I see Him, but I am not there yet. God never said life on earth would be easy and mine is so far from easy it is scary. Sure I know there are people in this world worse off than me, especially in Haiti right now, and I haven’t forgotten them. I pray for others (not for myself anymore) and I help others when I can (though I can no longer help myself).

So I take what little joy I can, and I find that in books. I find joy in being whisked away to a world that is not my own. A really good book holds the power to captivate you and enthrall you with the majesty of its words. A really good book makes you experience what the characters experience. You love with the protagonist and you suffer right along side him. Sure bad things happen in books, but you know what? There is always an end in sight. I know how far I have to go in the book before I see the happy ending. I think that’s why a lot of people like to read. You can bear the pain of a book because you know you will feel joy at the end. You know the end is coming. You see it. SO you stumble through the pages that make you cry because you know that somewhere a page will make you laugh. You have faith and hope in the words that form the pages in your hand.

This is the kind of feeling we should have about our own lives. We should have joy because we know then end is coming. It is just around the corner. After all this pain, these tears, these trials…we will have an immense joy if we know Christ has Lord.

But…there is a difference in reading and living a life of Faith in Christ. When you are reading a book, you are in control. You have the power. If you so choose, if you don’t like the trials and tribulations the characters suffer, there is only one thing you have to do…close the book. In life, you are never in control. Someone else pulls the stings… someone else closes the book.

SO…wow! I have no idea where I was going with that. In fact, if I hadn’t just been interrupted by one of my dogs, I could have kept going on that tangent. Geeze, talking about rambling.

In parting to you, I bid you happy reading, because you know what? Reading is sexy.

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